Where did March go?

Um well, March is gone isn't it...that went fast! I'm going to blame it on Eleanor, cause we can do that right?! Blame things on our kids....

The highlight of March was going to St. George with Whit's family. We hit a perfect weekend with the best, and much needed, sun. Some wind which actually kept it feeling just perfect and a happy little girl who seemed to really enjoy her first trip to St. George! 

   

 In the past when we've driven down to St. George, we've always been able to go non-stop and get there pretty fast. Like other things, sweet little Eleanor has made that change for us. Whit's happy, cause now he can have a bathroom break. Babies need to eat and they get a little restless, so we stopped and gave her a bottle, changed into her jammies, and then headed out on the road again. So really it wasn't bad, just different and it did take a longer to get there. But it was so so nice to arrive and simply put her in bed. No need to wake her up and do a treatment, no time spent unpacking all her equipment, we hardly knew what to do with ourselves.

St. George for us is all about walks, pool time, a little shopping, and movie nights. It's so relaxing and we wish we could go every month.

 The first day the wind was a little strong and when wet wasn't super enjoyable. So it was a hang out and read magazines in the sun kind of day...I wasn't complaining!

 We got a good dose of cousin time and had some good giggles!Eleanor is a tough cookie to crack, but Keira was able to do it!

 

 She took some great naps pool side, so adorable!

 With a little less wind, she was much more willing to splash around and explore the water...

and splashing in the face was fun!

 Swimming around the kiddie pool was eh...but it was cute to watch.

 She just likes to stand...what little feet!

So amazingly grateful for this little blessing. Lately I've been so worried about helping her sleep better and focusing on the fact that she's not getting the hang of it. Looking back at these pictures, helps me remember and refocus on the fact that she's so perfect in so many other ways. She can move, and breath and pretty soon eat all on her own just to name the basics!!I'm still getting use to that.  My sweet Eleanor is a healthy baby and I need to relax and embrace the imperfectness in that too! If that makes any sense.... Oh I just love her!!

Eleanor's first trip to Disneyland

We couldn't deprive Eleanor the opportunity any longer. :)

We just had to go. It was a necessity. There was no way we could live with ourselves if we didn't take Eleanor before she was 6 months...it just wouldn't be fair. :) 

Like I mentioned before, we were in need of a quick pick me up and it was good for our souls to go.

Eleanor did fantastic and I think she's addicted already, she's already pushing us to go again.

We went over President's weekend and knowing it would most likely be busy, prepared ourselves to just relax and enjoy the feeling you have when you are there. 

It was busy, but wonderful all the same with perfect weather too!

 Good thing it was perfect weather too, because maybe an hour into the day, Eleanor had a great blowout all over her pants and so the rest of the day was spent drying those out. 

 Loving to stand! It was such a new experience with new worries and new excitements. 

 The hands are ALWAYS in the mouth!

 First vacation sink bath! Funny thing about getting ready in the mornings was that we weren't necessarily faster, but it was amazingly more relaxed. With Jonas and Maggie it felt like we were racing against the clock to be ready, so the rest of the group wouldn't be waiting for us. We always had to wake Maggie up early so we could do her treatments. With Eleanor she was the last to get ready and even with a bath it was pretty dang quick. The best part was not having to wake her up to pack up and leave...we could pick her up while sleeping and put her in her car seat. Simple as that.

 First ride in Disneyland...in honor of her brother! Of course sister too, but it all started with him! First time in 6 years waiting in the regular line too...bittersweet.

  I love our classic Dumbo picture!

 Oh Grammie and Papa...what better Disneyland partners could we ask for.

 Eleanor sure agreed!!

Many times this trip we were amazed at the simple things that Eleanor could do that our angels couldn't. It's as simple as looking around where SHE wanted to look. While holding Jonas and Maggie's heads for them and trying to help them see what we thought they'd want to see, often times they were straining to see elsewhere. If Eleanor wants to see something up, down, to one side or another it's so easy for her to control herself! 

I'll admit there were times it felt like a little piece of joy and magic were missing. All those memorable visits with extraordinary experiences happening is tough to compete with, but it's a new adventure we're on. One we hoped and prayed for for a long time. It's going to be great and we've got a lot of time to enjoy it!

All In the Name of Family History

I've been really struggling to want to blog and I really can't put my finger on why. In a way I feel like I have nothing to blog about anymore, which I know is not true. I have Eleanor's journey to record however 'normal' that may be. I recently have been looking into my family history and the stories I have been reading about my ancestors has given me the desire to redirect my attention back to my blog. I'm so grateful that I did record Jonas' and Maggie's short lives here.

I won't lie and say we're completely fine and going about our lives just great, cause we're not. We're not terrible by any means, but like we learned with Jonas' passing, we are forever changed. 

And that change takes some time to deal with and learn to incorporate in your life. 

We miss Maggie deeply. It takes our breath away at times and hurts so much you want to do nothing at all. The unexpected timing of her passing has made this feel more difficult to accept. So on the outside we are being strong and going on day by day, smiling, laughing and truly enjoying Eleanor, but on the inside we are crumbling a little and fighting to keep rebuilding our pieces. Life took us on a journey to Holland, a place we never, ever wanted to go to, but a place that we grew to love and deeply cherish. Now that we have left, all we want is to be back in Holland. 

There are so many things to be grateful for right now though, things that keep us moving forward and pushing us to be happy. 

First of all my testimony of the truth and knowledge that I will be with my family again and be reunited together forever. It's that knowledge that keeps me getting up every morning and that knowledge that makes what happened bearable. Because I also know that Jonas' and Maggie's life had a purpose and there was a greater plan in store for them after this life. That their life was a gift to me from a very loving Heavenly Father. The challenges and heartache were a gift because God only gives good gifts. It might not have been the gifts we were expecting or looking for, but in the end they were the gifts that I needed. Most importantly, Jonas and Maggie helped me see the love and tender mercies that our Heavenly Father will freely give us and how much he wants to be apart of our lives if we let him. I challenge you to let him in, let him bless you and help you and be happy in this life. 

Eleanor of course is another blessing in our lives that is making us happy! Actually extremely happy. She continues to amaze us everyday with how strong she is and how much she can do already. She also is giving us a run for our money, cause we have no idea what we are doing!! 

I told our pediatrician to bear with me as I think that everything is wrong with her. We have been focusing our attention on her this past month and learning with her. We were able to bless her the first of January and celebrate our first Valentine's Day together. We also were feeling a little sorry for ourselves and even though we said we weren't going to go back to Disneyland for awhile....we caved and felt that's what we needed for a quick pick me up. Our happy place did not disappoint and we had a fantastic, although different, Disneyland experience. 

Our little Valentine...love her!

So in the name of Family History and to preserve our memories, I will strive to be better at my blogging and try to do at least 2 posts in the month of February!
How's that for an oath and goal!

More Twisted Silver Bracelets

Whit and I are surprised and humbled by Twisted Silver! They graciously donated more Maggie Bracelets! These ones are a little different, but intended for the same purpose.

We are extremely grateful to everyone for the quick and generous support we received with the last bracelets. 

We're humbled by your love and are so grateful to offer these bracelets again for Maggie's Monument fund.

We're super close to selecting a Monument for Maggie and excited for her to have a stone in place next to her brother's! Hopefully it can be as beautiful as his and remind us of her! 

So again, 

  For a Donation of $20 or more you will receive a Maggie Bracelet, by Twisted Silver. 

100% of the proceeds with go to Maggie's Headstone.

 

P.S. If you so kindly donated after we ran out of the other Maggie bracelets and would like one of these, please just let me know.

. 3 Months .

Both of my girls have hit the 3 month mark. 

One for turning 3 months and one for being gone for 3 months. 

It's amazing how time just keeps moving on. Eleanor is how old Maggie was when Jonas passed away... does that make sense? Kinda weird to think. 

I really do wish I would have had those 3 extra months with Maggie. I'm so grateful I did with her and Jonas. Every time Eleanor does something, all I can think about is how much Maggie would have loved that! Her cooing, her playing with toys, her eating her bottle, her getting her bum changed. Seriously all simple things, but she would have been the best big sister!

Gosh, I miss her.

 

 Maggie a couple days before she passed away. I never would have guessed she was so close to leaving us. Her plans were bigger than ours and I pray every day for her to be near me.

. A New Year . A New Chapter .

2014 is the beginning of a new chapter in our lives and I'm still battling the idea of accepting that. There are days when I'm excited for the freedom that we have with this new chapter and there are others where I miss every single thing about our closed chapter. And there isn't a day that something doesn't sting my heart. Last week, for the first time, I actually turned on Disney Channel. Right now I have a love/hate relationship with it. It reminds me of my children which makes me so happy to think about them, but it hurts so much at the same time. Because of the hurt, I tend to avoid things more than remind myself. That's another reason why I haven't blogged for awhile, or gone into her room lately, or listened to her station on Pandora, or any music on her iPod for that matter since she passed. I can't bear to play any of her games on her iPad, or even wash her clothes in her hamper. They still smell like her. Sometimes the hurt takes over. It's all about a little at a time for me. I'm a totally pull the band-aid off slowly kind of girl. I haven't turned Disney Channel back on since then, but I plan to. And besides, Eleanor loved it! Silly girl...already loving TV. So maybe I really shouldn't turn it back on ;) 

We definitely have more good days than bad, my sweetie Eleanor makes sure of that! I truly know I'm loved because of the wonderful blessing she is to me. 

In this new chapter of ours we truly are first time parents! It amazes me how little we know about what babies do! Some days I find myself thinking...where the heck is the g-tube when you need it!! 

Eleanor has been following suit so far with being a pretty happy baby. I can't complain there, because to get a smile in the morning, even though I know she's super hungry, is the best thing in the world. I see two other little smiles when she smiles at me! Jonas and Maggie will always be with me!

I just don't have the drive to go back and write about Christmas. It was good, but another season with the very recent death of a child is never my favorite. So here are a couple of my favorite pictures. 

Christmas Eve... LOVE this silly girl!

Christmas Morning.. Look at that crusty! Maybe I won't be as lucky to get a smile every morning.

 Eleanor LOVES to play and move and stand...the saucer might be her favorite

Notice the seat-belt....they aren't kidding when they say that babies move. We've had some close calls

(a little late but...) Happy New Year!

Our closed chapter will never ever be forgotten and we will take many lessons we learned from there and carry it on into this next chapter. Whatever it may bring!  Here's to a new chapter!

Thank You!

THANK YOU! THANK YOU! 

We are so humbled by the generosity of those that purchased bracelets! 

They were bought faster than we ever imagined!

Our heartfelt appreciation goes out to all that loved our Maggie and continue to show us your love and support big or small!! 

With help from A Good Grief foundation and those that donated we are so much closer to buying Maggie a headstone! Thank You, Thank You!